My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My life is pants optional.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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