you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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