Plan B is the new Plan A
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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