My liver just broke up with me...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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