Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
