you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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