Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
