So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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