I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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