Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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