I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
