New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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