dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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