I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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