I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
