Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
