Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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