if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
