How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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