Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
