Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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