Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
