is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
