Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize