Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This house was built for laser tag.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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