Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
