he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize