Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
