I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize