never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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