shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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