She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
