peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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