Well douche your snatch and let's go!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
