The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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