dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
