I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
