I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
