Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
