if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
