quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
