but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
