He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
