All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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