apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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