Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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