I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize