My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize
