please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize