how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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