I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
