His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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