Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
