1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
