it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
