the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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