i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I love you. Go after that dick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up under a house in Key West
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize