I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize