it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
