i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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