I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
