Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
