K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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