Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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