So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
