the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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